Heather Heying on Social Competition
For women, there is 'no easy route to saying: "I don't want to play."'
‘When asked to join a pick-up game of basketball, a guy can easily say, “no man, I’m good,” and be done with it. Of course, a woman who is asked to join a pick-up game of basketball can respond in exactly the same way. But competition in women is more likely to be social, and covert, and thus more difficult for women to opt out of “play” with other women. There is generally no overt ask in female competition. There is, indeed, little that happens for public consumption. A woman who has no interest in social games—or not now, or not with these people, or not under these circumstances—has no easy route to saying “I don’t want to play.”’
Seeking to avoid certain social interactions does not indicate a lack of concern, love, and respect on the part of the non-participant. Alas, there seems to be a tendency to believe otherwise. Is it because eager participants love the ‘game’ they create together? Is it because they experience their deepest sense of connection and fulfillment through playing it? Is it because they cannot imagine life without the game?
For those who tend to choose a different path, concern, love, and respect for others flows equally deep, but there may be fewer opportunities for connection and expression. Another drawback—players may view non-players as defective or as suspect or even as objects of pity.
This inaccurate assessment of reality places even more distance between players and non-players. Thus, there is considerable pressure to play, even when doing so feels uncomfortable at best and dismaying at worst.
The pressure can be resisted but non-players do pay a price. Yet the alternative is to override one’s internal compass, and doing so exacts an even higher price.
This is The Work of Happiness.
Kindred spirits, please share this far and wide.