Image Credit: Barbora Franzova, from Pixabay
My heart has been exceptionally heavy of late . . .
This is more than the burden of knowing the tremendous problems we face in our world today. Instead, I speak of a pain so personal and deep it causes a steady ache in my heart and my gut.
I feel a strong need to share my thoughts on this because keeping it bottled up hurts me and helps no one. Therefore, I share in the spirit of friendship, healing, and love. I share without wishing to accuse or harm or implicate anyone. I share with an awareness of my own inadvertent contributions to causing pain in others and the desire to show contrition and to improve.
When I try to express these sorts of feelings aloud, in conversation, I am sometimes met with chastisement: for being too sensitive, for feeling sorry for myself, for being a professional victim, for being unrealistic, for wallowing in sorrow.
After reading this essay, if you find these characterizations of me true, I will have failed in my mission to communicate about a broader point affecting every person in some way. I will have failed to find common ground, essential tidbits we can agree upon and take with us as we move forward through life.
In thinking about when I first began experiencing this form of emotional pain, I believe I was about eight years old. My parents did not cause it. In fact, being with them or my other family members relieved it. This pain flowed from situations in my world at school and with school mates outside of school.
As an active, curious, and imaginative child and young adult, I made plenty of foolish and even hurtful errors, but I am not excusing these or speaking of reactions to being chastened for them. I began experiencing emotional pain after several difficult situations which showed me a person could be accused, tried, and convicted in society, without ever being permitted to mount a defense.
Injustice felt real to me, even at a tender age. In the instances I refer to, I know distinctly I had done nothing to harm anyone, yet had received harsh treatments for what had been deemed my offenses. I also recognized how different these situations felt from the times when I had knowingly committed a wrong and received a fair and just response.
I do not know at what age I began watching reruns of Perry Mason, but I do recall being very young and relishing the sense of appropriate and fair resolution built into each episode. Perhaps watching these courtroom dramas made me aware of a formal sense of justice, so I recognized when I had been mistreated and felt empowered to refuse to take responsibility, at least in my mind and heart, for any offense I had NOT committed.
Every human being has experienced social injustice of some form at one time or another. Very often there is no way to fully resolve it without causing further harm. The offended party could launch an eye-for-an-eye attack on a misguided accuser but not without stooping to dirty tactics, something to be avoided because doing so destroys one’s integrity and causes more destruction.
Sometimes, it is possible to share facts about yourself and your situation, without blaming or sharing details which should remain private, and this can certainly be helpful—what I hope to accomplish with this post.
Alas, in some instances, nothing wise can be done except to endure one’s fate and move on.
As I moved through life, I began to notice the role of gossip in society. Some gossip has an innocent quality, just sharing news and views, while being accepting and loving of all involved. This sort of chatter has a quality of normalcy to it and usually remains harmless. Its big drawback, however, is its contribution to innocuous but inaccurate notions people begin to hold about each other with no certain opportunity for correction.
I find it difficult to remain present when conversations begin to devolve from harmless gossip to the more deliberately critical sort, which affects the subject’s reputation to no constructive purpose. I kick myself each time I add my own log to the fire, even if I’m just being ironic or teasing. However, it pays to remember good-natured teasing with all persons present can be tremendous fun all around when not taken to an extreme.
Another sort of gossip should never be considered harmless, even if every word of it is true, which it usually is not. This form occurs when an offended party actively seeks allies prior to dealing directly with the other person involved. Certainly, in dangerous situations, seeking a trusted ally and confidant is a matter of survival, of applying wisdom. However, this tactic, when used as a strategy for emotionally coping with far lesser conflicts, causes tremendous harm, usually inadvertently. It may merely be an unfortunate side effect of the human need to seek emotional comfort as rapidly as possible when injured.
Dissemination then happens behind the back of the person who should have been confronted directly in the first place, and information shared beyond the original parties may affect numerous mutual relationships by subtly tainting opinions. This form of gossip can even permanently damage reputations and destroy possibilities. Gossip can also be an aggressive act: ‘The perceived universality of the link between women and malicious gossip is also reflected in an ancient Chinese proverb stating that “the tongue is the sword of a woman — and she never lets it go rusty.”’
Most recipients of the gossip will never hear the other side of things or how the matter got resolved. In part, this is because they did not belong in the discussion in the first place, but it is also because people tend to be titillated by negatives more than positives.
One response can be to fight gossip with gossip. However, this is using a wrong to try to right another wrong, which invariably causes additional personal harm and may create chaos and division within a group.
To retain integrity and trustworthiness and attempt to prevent further destruction, the subject of the gossip will need to keep a private matter private and try to resolve it appropriately. Meanwhile, those included in the gossip may exhibit discernible changes in attitude especially painful to the subject of the gossip. Yet nothing can be said or done. Normalcy and politeness must be attempted.
The ally-seeking form of gossip troubles minds, breaks hearts, torments souls. It causes lingering pain. When close family members engage in it, the pain can be especially deep and durable. Trust may never be fully regained, especially if hurtful gossip becomes a habit and if the attitudes engendered by the gossip become entrenched.
Other venues for gossip exist, of course, but I believe the family the most dangerous because it is usually far easier to let go of hurtful incidents with co-workers or friends than those occurring with family members. It is normal and healthy to seek approval and love and trust from those we love. It is normal and healthy to feel pain when they withdraw these from us, especially because of a mere conflict in viewpoints, a simple misunderstanding, or believing gossip from another family member.
Gossip cannot be pulled back. Once it’s out, it’s out. It is possible to try to mend the damage but not easy, because it will have spread far beyond a small circle. The remediating information, however, will likely never make it beyond a few people.
Human interest in negative gossip lies in its ability to cause the generator and the recipient to feel a sense of higher social status than the subject of the gossip. Positive gossip on the other hand has more of an equalizing effect, which seems dull by comparison.
Many, including some social scientists, attempt to justify or even glorify gossip as a natural means of communication which keeps the social fabric intact. While it can be, when used to share important news, engaging in it without causing harm requires restraint and a willingness to actively advocate for subjects should it devolve into a destructive act.
I am working with the parties involved in the conflict with me to repair the situation. I believe I have been misjudged and misunderstood in many respects, and a sense of deep injustice is present within me, having been worsened by an awareness of ongoing gossip.
I believe those involved never intended me harm, they simply felt harmed by me, felt pain, and sought allies rather than confront the perceived offender. I am taking responsibility for harm I believe I did cause by my own actions; however, I cannot plead guilty to “crimes” I did not commit. As for this aspect, all I can do is to be very sorry for having inadvertently contributed to anyone’s pain.
Alas, there is no Perry Mason who will step in to represent me, no Della Street to help Perry get his thoughts in order, no Paul Drake to dig for the facts. I am a human being, being human, trying to sort things out as best I can, and this will have to do.
This is The Work of Happiness.
Kindred spirits, please share this far and wide!
Gossip cannot be pulled back
Thank you for this poignant reflection, TWOH, and I am so sorry for what you’re suffering. Gossip is a poisonous, toxic practice and works the same often-irrevocable damage, whether it is performed on a personal or propagandistic scale.
It sounds like you are approaching the situation with wisdom, sensitivity, and love. At a certain point, you may need to step back to protect your own mental health. A touch of Stoicism goes a long way when it comes to coping with situations beyond your control 🤗